“The comfort I needed from the Great Mother energy I had imposed on the women in my life.”
I guess I had always avoided being alone. It started with a deep dependence on my mother’s connection, as it was the only connection I had in my early years of development, yet it soon transposed itself to my intimate relationships. There had always been a great inner need to ensure that the women in my life were not mad at me or in some way disappointed in me. The comfort I needed from the Great Mother energy I had imposed on the women in my life. This was a direct result of not having a mature father in the house who could initiate my independence as a young man.
Unconsciously, I self-initiated or cut this cord of dependence with my mother through the abuse of drugs and alcohol in my early twenties, but had in no way addressed the issue head on. As a result of the fear of growing in this area of my life, I stayed in a marriage much longer than I should have, masked by the façade of the “martyr”. “I don’t want to leave because it will affect my daughter”, I would say. This was true to a point, but in hindsight, it was used as an excuse to keep myself feeling “safe” in a relationship which had long since run its course and served its purpose.
“The pain of mourning and the pain of being with myself exposed old and new wounds. My instinct to cover the pain was overridden by years of practice that led me to sit in meditation day and night…”
Eventually the discontent with how I felt about myself in this realm grew to unbearable proportions to where I risked it all and uttered the words, “I think we should separate”. This would eventually lead to the divorce of my first marriage. It was mutually clear that we were both not happy or compatible in certain areas of our lives, and that this was the right thing to do. It was incredibly difficult on two fronts: I was dismantling and mourning a 25-year relationship and life I had built with this person, and simultaneously, I was moving into a space of solitude.
The pain of mourning and the pain of being with myself exposed old and new wounds. My instinct to cover the pain was overridden by years of practice that led me to sit in meditation day and night…going out into nature day after day…waking in the middle of the night with anxiety and crushing sadness and pushing myself to go out into the dark trails next to my home…into the woods to find some relief.
Eventually sitting with the pain was intolerable, and I decided to travel to far regions of Turkey and Egypt where I finally had a breakthrough in my heart during a climb up Mt. Sinai. You can read about that journey here. What I can share with you here is that while climbing Sinai in the middle of the night – as my whole life felt like it was falling apart – I received what I can only express as a clear, inner knowing – a voice that said, “it is in the unknown that the transmission comes in”. You see, I wasn’t alone after all. There is a part of us connected to God, the Unified Field, the Universe or whatever you’d like to call it. The issue is that we need solitude, introspection and the capacity to redefine “pain” by removing the obstacles that stand in the way of receiving its communication.
Jesus would regularly become overwhelmed by the crowd and retreat into nature. The Buddha did the same. All ascended masters work on cultivating, nurturing and living from this space. It doesn’t come naturally for most men; it requires guidance and practice.
Upon my return, I made a serendipitous connection with a woman who I recognized as my soul’s own reflection. A woman who meets me on every level of my life. We married a year later, had a child together and blended our families. I still have tendencies to make her the source of my well-being, but I catch myself and retreat into solitude where I strengthen my connection with the Great Mother. I release all my pain, prayers and share my solitude with Her. I return whole and bring a whole man to my wife, my friends and those I serve.
Amir Khalighi is the founder of EmbodiedMasculine.com and a contributing writer on The Embodied Masculine Blog. Learn more about Amir.